I decided to begin the experience with a new slate; previous gym stereotypes of burly men with large chests and a taste for both protein shakes and themselves were banished from the brain. Richard, the gym’s membership manager, told me that one of Soho gym’s predominant aims was to rid their member’s gym-time of such a prejudice. “We’re aimed at young people,” he confidently told me, “you’ll never see posers here, it’s all about getting onto the latest equipment: no queues and no fuss.” Whilst this rested my initial concerns about being flicked with a towel by a man twice my size, I was still unsure. The ‘latest’ equipment and ‘no queues’? This spelt an obligation to me: if I didn’t show progress then surely I’d be branded the most de-motivated man in the world? The pressure was on.

Yet dealing with pressure is one of Soho’s specialities. The company’s staff pride their workplace on being a place to ‘unwind’ and ‘chill’. I wasn’t so sure. A free weights area was certainly free from posers, but the presence of 50kg weights was enough to intimate even the most ardent of average men; the Arnie body I had yearned for was a long way off.

It came as a surprise therefore, that upon touring the gym I was introduced to the steam and sauna area. “A hit with the student members.” Richard told me. “There’s no better way to relax the mind before that night-before essay job, than to relax in the sauna.” I decided to test it myself, and, resting somewhere between a hug and a Dairy Milk, it was very pleasurable indeed. What’s more, the rooms were ultra-modern, with a chic tiling, making the experience that little bit more luxurious. I was reassured by Richard that access to the sauna and steam room would be included in any student membership.

Of course, the real test for any gym is its results. Members pay good money and expect a return on their investments in the form of a healthy body. Indeed, Alan, a 23-year-old masters student went further, telling me, somewhat elegantly, that he joined the gym to ‘…pick up birds.’ Sadly, this article will not include the ‘picking up’ of the opposite sex as a measure of the gym’s capabilities, but for those interested, Alan has assured me that I will remain updated.

Included in the membership fee is a gym induction, which goes further than most other fitness establishments as Soho staff write up a full routine with the member’s aims in mind. Emma, my personal trainee for the hour, asked me what my personal aims were. My response was obvious: “To get some muscle.” She mulled this over for several seconds, before offering a most welcome reply: “To develop some more muscle,” she corrected me. Whilst this could have been an exemplary display of customer service, bordering on blatant lies, it certainly served to encourage. With self-belief onboard I was ready for my programme.

And what a programme it proved to be. Three days covering sixteen different weight-based exercises, with eighteen repetitions of each meant that I was to do two hundred and eighty-eight a week. These figures meant only one thing – finding a way around them. However, Emma deviated from her earlier pleasantries by offering me a stark warning: “Stick to the programme with your life.”

My first session in the gym wasn’t fantastic. Beads of sweat turned into streams, and my breath became steadily louder with each exercise, until my breathing pattern resembled that of a clinically-obese man in a McDonald’s give-away. This was it for three months.

Still, each of the first three days finished on a positive. I retired to the sauna, and, lying back on the bench, my body worn and tired, I closed my eyes. Allowing the warm air to circulate against my expired muscles, I felt something unique: for the first time in a long time I felt like I deserved my moment of pleasure.

The idea was simple: take one person of average proportions and see what three months of a personalised fitness programme could do for him. There were to be no reductions in the chocolate to fruit ratio, no protein shakes and definitely no ab-tronic belts (eBay, apparently, does a roaring trade in these). Instead, it was just to be the gym and me: a real test for both of us.

My previous experience of gym life consisted of one visit to the local fitness centre at home. A game of squash was cut short by some benign racket handling and my day ended in a trip to the local hospital, thus leaving a particularly sour taste in my mouth and something of a reluctance to visit the gym again. Nevertheless, backed up by a multitude of fitness-based New Year resolutions, my determination was rife and I was ready to meet the challenge, and, with that, January 2009 marked the first month of a new me.

This blog will be updated online on a weekly basis, whilst there will be an extended version in the printed edition of King’s Bench magazine. Of course, true to the history of this fine publication – nothing will be omitted. Every detail, from the development of an ab to the changing room atmosphere will be included. Dear reader, you will hear about every embarrassing moment, and, should this thing go well, perhaps there will even be the odd success-story. This regular feature will also serve as a scrutiny for Soho gyms. Everything from customer service to gym atmosphere, cleanliness to cost will come under consideration.

Of course, if all was to fail I had my father’s endearing philosophy to fall back on: “The best way to get a healthy body is to marry one.”

Cheers dad.

After the buzz of London Fashion Week (scheduled to take hold of London between 10th – 15th February) has moved on to Milan and Paris, London Fashion Weekend sets up its stalls and opens its doors to all who are wise. This five-day event (call it a long weekend if you will) casts an extraordinary long list of designers, including the likes of Ben de Lisi, Daks, Lulu Guiness, Made in Heaven, Mawi, Paul & Joe and Asish N Soni – I could go on as these barely skim the surface but I am fast running out of breath – who flaunt their collections at dreamily reduced prices. Pinch yourself all you want, this is for real.

Not only is there the opportunity to shop till you drop but you may also be able to sit front row at a professional cat-walk show and learn all-over beauty tips from Toni & Guy and Elizabeth Arden. What more could a girl want?

London Fashion Weekend takes place at The National History Museum, SW7 from 20th – 24th February 2008. Tickets are priced at £20 for the preview evening on the Wednesday and £15 for all other days. Call 0871 230 1558 for tickets (this at a charge of 8p per min) or, alternatively, go to www.londonfashionweekend.co.uk.

Vivienne Westwood

Never failing to shun trend, Vivienne Westwood created her own where she forever remains in her element. The show opened with a rather dishevelled feel – a grey mid length dress that looked like someone had attempted to sip it from the model as she wore it. They were many references in this collection but the profound message was undoubtedly a political one. Political warriors aside (who adorned flag sized scarves to then reveal Westwood’s signature dresses underneath) the remainder of the collection was a mix-mash of colour, snakeskin, netting and tassels to resemble a kind of party girl come cowgirl. It was certainly very territorial.

Maison Martin Margiela

Cue the lights, music and ‘action’. One of the most shocking shows of the season, Margiela produced a stand-out collection that was very ‘see no evil’. Models projected a dominated version of themselves as they wore black visors completely obscuring the top half of their face. Whilst what was worn from the neck down was svelte, sexy and hugged every inch there was to be had. This was all about bands of bland complimentary colours and with the shoulder becoming quite poignant towards the latter part of the show, very futuristic too.

Balenciaga

Undoubtedly the most sculpted collection of SS08, Balenciaga’s Nicolas Ghesquière was in full bloom this season. Print was rife and boldly embraced and was a more accentuated form for women. Shoulders and hips roundly protruded as stiff cocoons encased the body (the mind yet again boggles at how they got into these outfits, let alone how they would get out of them). The gladiator sandal’s elongated sister made an appearance – the knee-high gladiator peep toe boot, an exciting new accessory that we can all look forward to! A sign of more good things to come from the house that drove us insane for pin-chip looking leggings and a complete revival of school boy blazers. It will certainly be interesting to see how this shape is interpreted in stores across the capital.

Victor & Rolf

Always with a signature shape, this season was no different. This time round it was diamonds and violins, producing a harlequin-esque character. On trend as ever, ruffles were used as an age-old past time and their ruff collars will be enjoyed by many. A straight-cutting silhouette and mannish tailoring helped produce a striking collection.

Karl Lagerfield

With a rainbow backdrop, it was a stark contrast to the opening monochrome looks that Lagerfield is renowned for. His use of fitted black veil trousers injected a sassiness into the collection but an authoritative appeal was maintained with sharp cuff collars and handless gloves. What certainly appealed was his out of character exploration of multi-colour though layering of mesh.

Valentino

A show of gigantic proportions with the inclusion of a whopping 88 pieces – Valentino truly outdid himself for his final RTW show. The colour scheme was a sugar-coated haven for those with a sweet tooth; canary yellow, candy pink and love heart mauve. His signature dress was present as ever and swept lines across the body but they was also a diversion with padded horizontal bands. The collection swiftly moved into mustard territory as a retro 60s phase began. An abundance of desirability was on offer as the show ended on a modern high. Polka dots and ruffles aplenty, cute bows and skirt suits and an en vogue dash of floral – Valentino’s successor, Alessandra Facchinetti, truly has been handed shoes that are impossible to fill. This man has never failed to make women look so effortlessly beautiful.

Dries

After quite an exciting collection back in March, this time Dries really missed the mark. With it’s finger on the pulse with floral print and a navy/yellow combo, it veered off course with a horrible mish-mash of patterns only suited to a 70s grandmother – it may have been retro but it was quite unflattering. There was too much going on and nothing that drew everything together and models were left drowning in a sea of print.

Hussein Chalayan

More wearable pieces are now streaming through Chalayan’s futuristic offerings, as was indicated to come from his last collection. Monochrome remains a big trend for SS08 and the floppy-brimmed hat has been stiffened up for a new season. Structured short suits, puff sleeve blouses and 70s safari chic speak for themselves of the maturation of this designer. But it would not be a Chalayan show if there were not some theatrics, and true to form he finished the show with a dress that burst red laser beams into the crowd – it was show stopping.

Alexander McQueen

After what some have described as an ‘off’ season, the pressure was on for Alexander McQueen, and even more so as this season was to be a tribute to the late Isabella Blow. Thankfully McQueen silenced his critics. There was a very soft and structured strategy, complimented by Philip Treacy’s hats. Emphasis lay on the bones of the garment, and beautiful dip-dying brightened up dull beige whilst McQueen kept hems short ‘n’ sweet, waists in and shoulders out. Animal print appeared and a couple of fencing-masked figures donned the catwalk in a sheen of black and fuchsia. Once again, an oriental air of battle wafted in the air, as butterfly’s fluttered down a bustier dress and floor sweeping geisha sleeves came out to play. Finally, he drew on the show to a close on a rainbow high – a kaleidoscope of colour.

Galliano

Attendees were somewhat not agreeable to Galliano’s choice of venue – the Parisian rugby Stadium at kick-out time after a big match. Nonetheless this insatiable man of talent pulled together much more than a collection that quelled the anger of trodden fashionistas. A circus ground of treats set the scene for a spectacular show. Teetering in stiletto high pointed-toe platforms, Galliano sent the girls out in 50s inspired swimsuits, floral prints, fur and bustier tops – this was a very reminiscent collection that was strongly on trend. With an array of pinks, there was a ultra feminine-feel and Hispanic allure came into play with floaty rising hems in sassy red and kiss me curls framing the face.

Nina Ricci

A darker tone at Nina Ricci this season, that maintained a natural feel. With feathers in the hair, the girls glided across the floor mixing in a harsher Ricci girl whilst exposing some of her fragility. This was a girl who had been partying all night long and was returning with her outfit askew. Dusky pinks were dripping with sequins and hems bared above the knee at the front whilst trailing behind at the back. Awash with satin silks, this collection evolved into something very light and elemental.

Lanvin

Light macs and matching dresses opened this breath-taking show of beauty. Dresses pinned to one shoulder or gathered at the torso then turning their backs on us to show a more billowy side. Midnight blue and floor length breezed down the catwalk, all the while under control. A feathered clapper-style dress and another livened up with a large ruffle going diagonally cross the shoulder, followed by a line of primary colours brought us a show that could quite easily have been a collaboration of some of the best designers out there, rather than just one man. This was a very strong collection from Alber Elbaz, rich in colour, which left us on a fashion high.

Giorgio Armani

The softness of this season rained silks, chiffons and organzas. Pirate-like pantaloons made an appearance complete with gypsy head scarves and shawls, taking shelter under cute cropped jackets. Gucci maintained its chic as models glided down the catwalk in floor skimming and intricately detailed dresses.

Just Cavalli

This fashion house kept its finger on the pulse with the use of navy and yellow (a definite duo for the season across the globe) – very submarine. Animal prints were livened up in pop-art pink, giving this collection a vary garish appeal. Feathered mini skirts swooshed to and fro whilst tops were kept light on top.

Burberry Prorsum

Another triumph for Christopher Bailey this season as he blunted the thorns of the Burberry girl of AW07, but only just so much. There was not one garment to be seen that had not been rouched or bunched in some way. And the Burberry belt of the season is not to be missed! – black leather with shields and star metal motifs, it will be on the every girls wish list. A romantic palette of greys, blush pinks and creams went as far as the eye could see, with an odd dash of beige and yellow here and there. Cross bar shoes will be Spring/Summer’s new must-have and the classic Burberry trench has been revamped with extra layering and a multitude of buttonage. Also it seems that Mr Bailey was infatuated with disks.

Moschino

Open toed shoots emerged followed by some heavy chain metal – what more could a girl want? Moschino remained ultra feminine and ultra cool with every hem bouncing above the knee and short sleeved cropped jackets thrown in for good measure. Luxe aqua was splashed across the show, as silk blue playsuits were paraded down the catwalk. Baby-doll dresses were oh so cute and women’s sexuality was once again explored with the use of opaque organza.

Bottega Veneta

With a ‘safe’ colour scheme, the start of this collection was a far cry from the out there and excitement of previous seasons. Off the shoulder and open low cut V-necks riddled this show and outfits were kept light and fuss-free with fine materials and straight cut silhouettes. However, sassiness reappeared in Veneta-style with a flash of 1920s lingerie inspiration and a Grecian emphasis on the bust.

Etro

It appeared that the focus of this collection was very dark indeed. Bold block colour and an almost Oriental Warrior seemed to haunt Etro’s rails. Shunning the more svelt of belts, Etro opted for a chunkier sister version and presented us with a quirky approach full to the brim of mixed references – a cross between soldier and ethno hippy. It was certainly a refreshing collection and by this point in the schedule it was a pleasure not to have to wade your way through a sea of frills.

Prada

After the bombshell that was the Prada turban in their previous show – we patiently waited to see if this fashion house would redeem itself. And it did – just. Though the colours were very sumptuous and use of bold flowers and plaid livened up the collection, there were certain checks that really should be avoided. Nonetheless, a fresh new style emerged for the season; oriental-like techniques were pulled out of the closet, with piping used on the jackets and dresses running up to a short stand-up collar. It had a 70s reminiscent feel and with a flash of key-holes, it still goes to show that it is far more sexy to cover up.

Daks by Giles Deacon

A very light 2nd collection by Giles, with beautiful 50s polka dot belted dresses that wouldn’t be amiss on Dita Von Teese. Too strong themes came through; lots of pattern and lots of texture, but never a mixture of the two.

Maxmara

A severe and unfussy collection, lines were kept clean and colour minimal, emphasising broad shoulders and slashed v-cuts. Silhouettes were high waisted and shapely – reverting back to a more hour-glass figure. A clear medium between bodycon and smock. This collection start with a masculine harshness but ended on a more feminine tale, splattered in candy pink.

Fendi

Highlighting the skeleton of a garment is certainly something we should all look out for, as Fendi only knows. This was a very clean and crisp presentation of looks, that would not have been out of place on the set of Star Trek. As dresses were overcome with hypnotic swirls, this was a collection that definitely wanted to play tricks on the eyes and seemed to represent a woman who wanted to attract attention. As the house responsible for the It bag craze some ten years ago, that still holds strong today, Lagerfield had the girls adorning an over-sized clutch that we will no doubt see many interpretations of on the high street soon.

Gucci

Once a poor woman’s flower, the carnation was given a new luxurious lease of life by Gucci’s designer, Frida Giannini. Colours were in trio – black, white and yellow. And an injection of movement came through a method of sweeping across the body and gathering to one side. It was unruly chic. Wide waist belts with yellow piping were a definite favourite and stood to separate a war-esque cinched jacket and voluminous skirt. However, the stronger pieces were definitely towards the end of the collection, with their signature floor-length dresses gliding down the catwalk, held at the shoulder or fastened round the waist by a chunky belt and even larger buckle. The black dress, as it flashed it’s yellow lining, proved that subtly definitely is sexier.

Gareth Pugh

Whatever the season, there is no mistaking this collection, thanks to his quirky and futuristic signature approach. Pugh kept his collection refreshingly dark for a Spring/Summer show and incorporated a lot of leather and tassels, in a rather Mad Max manner. Slice and dice were the words of the day.

Marios Schwab

Certainly a rather clever approach to a collection this season. Schwab created the illusion of many layers by peeling and folding only one layer. It bordered on the futuristic and in keeping with what we have seen so far, remained true to bodycon form. Hems were above the knee and floral prints were not spared.

Luella

Cutesy-geeky and floral throughout, this show certainly demonstrated a maturity for this designer. In geek-chic style models strutted in high-waisted shorts and school girl pleats, with the ever emerging shoots in tow. But diverging from others, Luella made a beeline for a batman craze, complete with black leather. We also saw a return of the long lost rara skirt.

Christopher Kane

A hugely dissatisfying collection from a man who has shown such promise until now. With a colourless palette and a overindulgent sea of frills, it was hard to make out if there was anyone in amongst all those reams of ruffles. Rip jeans sadly appeared, which would only be appropriate for a badly dressed Russian. This show was a complete wash out.

Jonathan Saunders

Jonothan Saunders was back with vengeance this season. Though his collection may have not moved mountains in terms of innovation, there was no denying that his knowledge of subtle colour panelling was lusted after by every woman in the room. His cuts remained bold and most pieces donned a monochrome palette. His clever tailoring played tricks with the eyes and everything was kept on trend by a slight wave of ruffles here and there.

Duro Olowu

Turquoise greens were complimented by yummy chocolate browns, which made the first half of this collection good enough to eat. With emphasis hooked around the waist and only one stray smock, the forecast for the SS08 trend seems clearly outlined. Opaque was certainly a focal point, as was soft materials in the form of silk pantaloons. Floral prints again did not go amiss. Though variety was present, it was near impossible to really see what, if anything, pulled this collection together but then that is what this Nigerian-British designer is all about.

Matthew Williamson

When you go to see a fashion show, it is not just the clothes that you flock to see, but the show itself has to live up to many expectations. And what better way to silence the critics than an opening by the pop Prince himself. However, Williamson then had the almighty task of hoping that his clothes could live up to such a grand opening. This he did, by the skin of his teeth. The collection was ridden with references to Africa; tribal beading and bold prints. Awash with colour, it certainly was not dull – a black and pink dip dye method was clearly taking his fancy this season.

Rodnik

With a defined waist and thigh skimming lengths, Rodnik put on a very bland collection – with the exception of one siren red dress, everything was monochrome or grey.

Giles

Another season and another sensational collection from Giles. ‘Boning’ was a clear theme throughout – with many garments seams worn on the outside. Bang on trend with his floral influences and spicing up the fashion scene with a decapitated bambi print dress. Eyes were drawn to the shoulders, which remained bare and netting added a light and sensual touch to an already dazzling show. Pastel pink was weaved in amongst ruffles and leaves. And bustier dresses cinched in at the waist before full on volume to the knee.

Donna Karen

A collection which maintained a very cruise-like feel. Models graced the DK platform wearing safari khakis, all adorned with a leather and canvas-mix wide waisted belt. Africa is certainly a dominant influence at present, but at Donna Karen the influence was muted somewhat.

Zac Posen

Class was maintained in yet another sea of monochrome, a palette which never loses its aesthetic and flattering appeal. But more than an agreeable colour range was the injection of musketeer meets French peasant girl, resulting in a more than desirable chic collection, which oozed nonchalant charm. This was achieved through a combination of pleats, bonnets and straw hats. The collection went further, embracing the French-way – that it is far more alluring to cover up than shed layers – and with a subtle flash of collar bone, instant intrigue is achieved. To round off the show, clouds descended, quite literally. The last few dresses of the collection were tapered into the knee and voluminous from thereon-in, endorsing names such as ‘Cumulus’, and were a marble of white and blue.

L’Wren Scott

A short and sweet collection, which by no means detracts from the strength of this designer. Awash with blue floor sweeping bustier gowns and finely tailored suits, there was very much an emphasis on the neck and shoulder-line. With a fine smattering of trilbies on a model here and there, this is a look that is set to hang around for another fine summer’s day.

Oscar de la Renta

The interesting thing to note about this show was the use of bolder and darker tones, including moss green, fuchsia-red and navy. There was nothing wishy-washy about this look. Again the figure was more defined, and each look carried a soft sheen. Towards the latter part of the show, a tribal expression was prevalent through the use of prints, beaded necklaces and the use of feathers. Again, dresses took a bodycon form to the knee only, and crept outwards as hems hits the ground.

Marc Jacobs

A controversial show to say the least. And the talking point of the week after Marc Jacobs made the likes of Anna Wintour wait an excruciating two hours before it was ‘On with the show’. Everything was incomplete and off-centre, whilst a dishevelled approach riddled every look. Poppy prints were this season’s muse for Marc and hardly a single piece came out without a slash or slit, baring all. It was a look all too easily achieved by throwing on the nearest thing to hand before running out the door.

Anna Sui

This was one of the highlights of the week. A punk approach from Anna, with neon pink, muted by grey opaque layering. It was cute girl meets lady rock, with many blouses and black pop socks on every ankle. Again fashion stamped out any volume there was before, keeping the body short, the leg long and the waist cinched. Look forward to polka dots and blazing beach hut stripes and don’t leave the house without your neck scarf.

Vera Wang

This collection was all Roman Pantheon, with sumptuous olives and beautiful beading, though Vera did not yield to the majority at NYFW, nor did she curtail her voluminous shapes to a more restrictive approach. It is clear now that any smock that we bear should be quickly tossed in the trash. We can expect rich dark fabrics broken up by the occasional bright turquoise hue. Shapes really were beautiful and seemed to perfectly encase the body and enveloped the curve. This SS08 is most definitely about the LUXE.

Temperley London

Creams and greys strutted down the catwalk in a very slick approach to a summer collection. Triangular shapes were ridden throughout this collection and ruffles and ‘mini’ layers were once again present. Fabrics were pinched and gathered – the feeling that less is more is truly out of the window – and attention to detail is at its height. Everyone wants to emphasise the much celebrated shape of a ‘more curvier’ women. But the show didn’t pass without one or two of her signature floor length floaty numbers – which were simply beautiful. The collection was by no means disappointing but I have certainly seen more inspirational lines coming out in the past.

Proenza Schouler

Femininity wrapped up in masculinity. Military style with a plumed French Guard hat and brass double breasted buttons. Kimono wraps, monochrome patterns and again diamonds were a dominant shape. All about boy meets girl. However, cream replaced a harsher white to compliment the black this time and a slightly busier look came through with fraying and feathering. A Proenza girl knows what she wants and she gets it, no questions asked.

My mother took me to a local hairdresser in Windsor and I can still feel that electric excitement that shot through my stomach as I anticipated the new me. However, instead of a feeling of elation, I was mortified as I looked back at myself from my reflection, slumping back into the worn leather chair. As soon as my mother got me back into the car I broke down and cried – inconsolable and feeling truly wronged. What I had asked for I had not got but what I did have would have passed for a military grade four.

On returning to school I had to endure the boys’ endless taunts but I handled these in my own rough and tumble way. The haircut had transformed me – it had taken away my girly nature and given me a boyish confidence that was unlike anything I had experienced before. This haircut had empowered me.

It didn’t take long for my hair to grow back and it was an even shorter amount of time before I decided to get it cut again – and again – and again. Nothing so drastic at first but it soon became my addiction. I was forever visiting the salon and each time my hairline heightened. I liked having that element of control and manipulation over something which transformed my features so dramatically. Each time I had my hair cut I was given a new identity and it would take time for friends and family to adjust to what, on first glance, they thought was a complete stranger.

That was, what seems like, many years ago now and admittedly, even though I was given a new lease of life by the blade of the barber’s scissors, I did long for the femininity that was afforded by long flowing locks. And so, I let it grow back.

Fortunate to be blessed with a head of almost manageable curls, I was afforded variable amounts of versatility. If I wanted to be taken seriously, I would sweep it off my face and scrape it into a neat French pleat a la Audrey Hepburn. If I preferred to be more playful I would let my natural swirls bounce off my shoulders and enjoy the liberating sensation as each ringlet jingled up and down as I walked. It may have been tricky to manage from time to time but the effort always paid off. A different kind of confidence flooded back to me, the kind where I was sure of myself as a woman.

However, fate came knocking on my door and feeding my unquenchable thirst for playing with the colour of my hair (an apparent ‘trend’ amongst those with mousey strands) the unthinkable happened and a disaster unfolded.

Flicking through a magazine, I spied a woman sporting gorgeous honey coloured trestles. It was a colour so yummy and appealing that I couldn’t resist the urge. A quick fly-by stop to a supply store later, I came home armed with a serious amount of products that I could have probably set up my own shop. My hair being dark, I had to pre-lighten it before I dyed it to the end colour but I soon learned that peroxide and I were not compatible. After literally frying my hair, I sat in the middle of my room in despair. As I passed a brush lightly through, a sea of broken strands tumbled down and lay in a matted sea by my feet. My hair was falling out. An emergency appointment later (at a more trusted establishment this time) and I found myself facing the same look of despair that eleven year-old girl had faced in the mirror all those years ago. All my hair had gone and what I was left with would be lucky to measure an inch.

Some months have passed now and I once again, though begrudgingly at first, have become accustomed to the androgynous crop. But though I have received many a compliment, from honest friends and unbiased strangers, and the odd glance in a window pane reassures myself that it doesn’t look so bad, I cannot deny that I still yearn to regain that girly girl inside of me. I count the days until I regain what I have, if only for a short time, lost. The ability to flick a stray strand off my shoulder. The flash of brunette as I swish my head from side to side in the bath water. Even the need to pull an odd unruly hair free from my lip gloss because it has been caught off guard by the wind. I long for it back.

So what is it that you need to be snapping up? Well, where do I begin…

In an era that is becoming increasingly about individuality, there are so many trends on the rail that there is bound to be something that suits everyone. Acid block colours are replaced with softer tones. Nina Ricci was a sea of white and black (kept separate, of course) but Galliano offered us a more romantic palette of rouges and roses. So whatever your skin tone, you’ll be hard pushed not to find a favourable spectrum.

Sheen and glamour takes the limelight with almost every designer this year inserting it onto their catwalk, whether it be subtle flutter of silk or a more obvious array of beading and sequins. Even McQueen and Kane, who cut away from the flock and injected their more edgier take on Fall used sumptuous, rich fabrics and luscious leather respectively, leaving their umbilical cord to the mother that is the trend unscathed.

Though the general silhouette remained softer, it seems the unsculptured tunic has had its day. Belts were everywhere. Now is the time to drag out those of yonder year and use them to draw the world’s attention to the fact that you do still have a waist. It does not seem to matter what shape or size, texture of colour, or even what they are embellished with, as long as you have a belt and it does not sit around your hips – you are on the right course.

The trench is a huge inspiration a la Thomas Burberry this season. And if that doesn’t take your fancy then you can also opt for a coat with a military edge to keep out the bitter cold that we will no doubt endure in England.

Finally, footwear. Patent is still very much the plat du jour and though there is a sprinkling of wedges thrown in for good measure, the chunky heeled platform pump is most definitely what the doctor ordered. Thank the lord! Though we are far too fashion conscious to worry about practicalities when considering our wardrobes, that is not to say that we shun anything that happens to fit the bill.

Admittedly, even I can see the benefits of wearing such an abundance of material. For one, it’s not restricting and this is always welcomed in any wardrobe. It also serves the purpose to cover one’s modesty, avoiding the embarrassing situation one can find themselves in when their outfit acts-up like a child – in constant need of attention, it must be yanked and pulled in multiple directions to maintain your ever decreasing dignity. However, there are many more reasons why the Maxi is nothing short of a bad investment.

It seems to me that walking around with reams of material in your wake could cause many an accident. It is a trip hazard for the wearer and it risks the embarrassing scenario when the person behind you steps on the hem of your dress catapulting your body, rather unflatteringly, backwards. But practicalities aside (and who gives a damn about these anyway?) the Maxi dress is an eyesore.

Every time I see some poor misguided sole wearing this ‘trend’, I have to admit that such a large expanse of unflattering print approaching me does send me into panic mode. I begin to see red and feel consumed by an urge to throw white paint all over it in the hope that, like after-sun, it will calm it down.

However scathing I may come across, even I cannot deny that there does exist a rare breed that can pull off this look. I have no doubt in my mind that it was on viewing the picture of a track-stopping certain Miss Alba that ‘inspired’ every Pat, Pam and Pauline into rushing into this purchase far more hastily than I would ever recommend.

Pondering over how such an item ever came into being, I am certain that the creator of the Maxi got carried away with themselves somewhere between a Valentino and a Pucci show and, rather mistakenly, thought they could pull it off. These you are not my friend and you most definitely must go back to the drawing board.

In the meantime, I can only hope for this summer romance to fizzle out. Bring on the fall and long live the body con.