We may not be prepared to admit it, we sure as hell would never want to be accused of it, but I think it is safe to say that everyone likes to be smug sometimes. Not all the time mind you, just sometimes. I find there is a particularly heightened smugness when one – stuck for hours in a dead end Saturday job – manages to get one over on a horrible customer. Petty it may be, but it is these small touches that make life all that more interesting.

Picture this. I, clothed in full coffee shop regalia, which consists of a black chef’s hat, a shirt that nobody quite knows the colour of (somewhere between grey and burgundy we think), black trousers and a pinny (complete with chocolate and cappuccino stains). In comes young Phil Mitchell lookalike – with hard-man walk and frown to match – followed by his stunningly gorgeous girlfriend. My first reaction – launch myself into the deep fat fryer, along with the hash browns, because if I can’t get a girlfriend and Phil Mitchell lookalike can, there is no point in living.

C’est la vie. I must get on with my job as tea boy.

“Good morning!” I chime, grimacing at the mismatched couple before me. “What can I be getting you two?” Upon reflection, that does make me sound rather like a pirate, but we shall ignore that minor fault in my greeting for now. They place their order – ten-item breakfast, cake and jug of coffee for Big Phil, and a slice of toast and cup of tea for mademoiselle.

Now, before you judge me on the following course of events, it must be considered that I have been stuck for three hours in a hot, windowless café with an empty stomach, bored out of my mind, piling plates high with sausages, bacon, beans et al for people other than myself. I am not exactly Mr Happy right now.

The gripping story continues as Beauty and the Beast reach the till.  

“Together or separately?” I say.

“Humph?!” answers Big Phil. He has no clue what I am talking about.

“Will you be paying together or separately?” I reply in a heightened, rather Englishman abroad, kind of tone.

“Erm…” I have clearly caught him unawares, he was not planning on having to pay for his girlfriend’s breakfast. “Yeah, yeah, bung it all together.” He is pretending to be relaxed, but the strain can be heard in his voice. “Now I got to pay for my girlfriends bleeding meal too, I am going to have to break into a second tenner!” is exactly what he is thinking. His embarrassment is not over yet.

“Eleven pounds eighty-four then please sir,” I exclaim in my smugness-infused voice.

“Fifteen pound there then.” he says as he hands over two notes.

I am about to thrust the two notes into the till, when I realise that he has not given me the ten and five as promised, but two fives. Cheeky devil.

I do get this quite often – the customer giving you too little money. If it is a frail old lady with big glasses you feel obliged to whisper softly that she still owes you an extra few pounds. If not, you have one of those rare occurrences when the staff are free to get their own back on the customers. This is how it works.

As the till operator, there is a calm before the storm in your reaction, or, as I like to call it, a smile before the frown.

“Hmmm,” you mutter with a slight grin on your face as you look down at the incorrect money in your hand. Then, “I’m sorry sir but you have given me two fives instead of a ten and a five!” you bellow with a one-eyebrow frown.

Suffice to say, I give the same reaction to young Phillip before me. The strain in his voice has now reached new heights. “Ah. I thought, you know…” and his voice trails off.

Yes, yes, you thought you could con me didn’t you?

He leaves the till looking hugely embarrassed and his pretty girlfriend rolls her eyes. I return a look that says “Baby, get rid of him and come hang with me. I will show you a good time”. I feel very smug, my encounter has been a huge success and I now feel so much better. The deep fat fryer can easily wait until next Saturday.

“Erm, excuse me mate?” it is him again and he is now calling me mate. “Where can I find the ketchup?”

“Right in front of you there sir, right in front of you there”.